Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012.

Drinking Like a Mad Man

(By MommyHatesMe)

My drinking schedule is constantly getting in the way of my work (meaning my writing), so I figured it was about time to just write about drinking.

We’re all now well-versed in Mad Men, the tale of a bunch of 1960’s ad men who spend more time chasing tail and slamming drinks than crunching numbers and filling out TPS reports. I’d like to welcome a return to better times, a workplace renaissance of sorts, through the addition of alcohol back into the corporate workplace.

Reader comment: “But kind sir, if everyone is drunk at work people will be falling asleep, speaking nonsense, be less productive and the Chinese will just take over the world.”

MommyHatesMe: “Shaddup you ninny. Have a Scotch on the rocks, sit down and relax, and start making some man moves just like we did for 60 years before our freedoms got infringed upon.”

So why the need for booze back on the trading room floor? It’s real simple if you ask me. You want to get people excited to come in every morning, start lining up the mimosas. You want some creativity put back into the work force, tray of martinis on the house. Most importantly, do you want the real thoughts and opinions of your employees and the balls to make a game time decision, slug down some whiskey to put some hair on your chest.

I know I’m tired of spending countless hours in meetings in preparation of future meetings for other meetings where there will still be no final decision made. You mean to tell me that if a small bar wasn’t installed in every conference room we couldn’t develop a strategic plan in time to make it to happy hour? Everyone can take the edge off, flush everything out in the open air, and make a rash decision because it feels good. Everyone can respect the decision of a sloshed executive because he looks like a mothereffin’ badass drinking his Dewar’s and chain smoking Marlboro’s. It’s called moxie people, and we’re severely lacking of it in every sense of the word.

You know what else has been lacking? Witty office humor. Give everyone a few drinks and the mud will be slinging faster than ever. No need to worry about your sexual harassment or inappropriate workplace behavior lawsuits, everyone is drunk and having a grand ol’ time; a simple apology tomorrow morning will do just fine. Drinking makes for a happier workplace and a happier workplace is a more productive one.

I’ve had the joy of watching Don Draper and his compatriots polish off bottles upon bottles of aged spirits while creating million dollar ideas in the war room, taking a stuffy client out to a three-martini lunch to loosen him up and sign the big deal, and finally add another glass of bubbly to celebrate the fact that we’re all about to get paid. It’s time to climb out of this recession and restore our place atop the list as a world power, alcohol can get us there. I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines with my vitamin water… it’s time to go three sheets to corporate success!

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One Comment on “Drinking Like a Mad Man

  1. Pingback: Politics Suck. Drink Up. « Fifth Period Lunch

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