Politics Suck. Drink Up.

Written by: on May 7, 2012.

(By CaffeineFiend)

I don’t know about you, but politicians inspire my gag reflex to upheaval.

I once described my hatred of politics as “hatred that burns with the fiery passion of 10,000 suns.”

It makes me want to punch kittens.

And no, I’m not being dramatic.

I really hate it that much.

… Which is problematic since, from time to time, I get assigned to cover the single topic that I find most heinous.

Today, for example, I’ve written two candidate profiles for the upcoming June election — one of which involved a 45-minute phone interview.

My ears were 30 seconds away from bleeding.

I have dreams of turning political forums and debates of any kind into a drinking game. Because of this, the next State of the Union address could even be, dare I say it, enjoyable?

I even have a list of rules.

– One sip every time the word “job(s)” is used.
– Two shots per vague suggestion to “Get the economy moving.”
– A shot for every reference to a past politician.
– A shot for every attempt to mudsling and/or throw opponents/the opposing party under the bus.
– Two shots if it was done skillfully.
– A shot every time a personal anecdote is used to explain why they are the most qualified candidate.
– A sip every time someone suggests cutting taxes.
– A sip every time someone suggests raising taxes.
– Hearing “We can’t tax our way to success” earns you a beer. Down it.

The only thing stopping me from making this dream a reality is the fact that drinking on the job is, unfortunately, still frowned upon – though we’re trying to change that here at 5PL.

And I need to pay my rent.

So I really can’t afford to get sued for describing my stance on politicians as “with smarm oozing from their every pore, I wouldn’t trust them half the distance I could drop-kick an obese hippo.”

Nothing good would come of it.

So, I’ve come up with an alternative solution: candidates will henceforth be required to duke it out — gladiator style.

Functional amusement meets thinning of the herd. Everybody wins, right? Quality entertainment and one less self-seeking liar roaming the streets.

Talk about innovative thinking for the greater good.

Related posts: