Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012.
We’ve all sat next to “that guy” on the subway or bus or in line at Disney, that obviously just came from the fart foods buffet, or we smelled the ever-so-distinguishable Burger King Onion Ring farts. Our wait ends up feeling three times as long, and our face has a sour mask for the next hour or so. Did he eat three bowls of cabbage soup before getting here?
Unfortunately, we’ve also been on the other end of this disastrous situation. We’ve been the person doing our best to crop dust a long empty hallway, hoping not to pollute the people we’re going to be standing around. “I knew I shouldn’t have had that kimchi omelette for breakfast!”
And finally, we’ve all been around people whose day we’d love to ruin – and without a gas mask in arm’s reach, you know just how you’d like to do it.
No matter how old guys get, farts are always funny. Women don’t get it — and they shouldn’t get it. They get the fun of having periods, and we get the fun of laughing at farts!
For Women – I’m sure there are moments where your significant big-fat-jerkface is about to get in bed and you just really don’t want him to come anywhere near you. Nothing will turn that pup tent in his jammies into a deflated balloon like the smell of a tipped over port-o-let wafting up to his face when he pulls back those covers.
For Men – Going on a road trip with several college buddies? Few things will make it more memorable than when you start dropping bombs in the back seat during Hour One of a six-hour drive, making your friends gag like they swallowed a hair ball.
Oh, and if you want people to hang out around you – then think about NOT eating these five fart foods before a get-together.
These are the fart foods that I’ve done a little research to find. At the bottom, I’ll also hand out a couple bonus fart foods that I’ve personally found to be excruciatingly fart-tastic.
Has any young boy ever been more delighted to hear this sing-song poem for the first time:
“Beans, beans, the musical fruit!
The more you eat, the more you toot!
The more you toot, the better you feel,
So eat some beans with every meal!”
It’s a pre-adolescent anthem! Apparently, beans contain raffinose, which is a sugar that gets you gassed up. You can soak the beans overnight, and that should reduce the high octane on that gas.
I remember as a kid, I’d go with my Dad to a bar he used to frequent (the good ol’ days!), and there was a jar of pickled eggs on the bar. I can’t even imagine what this smelled like after a few hours of stomach acid digestion.
From what I’ve read, beans have some complex carbohydrates that are difficult for humans to digest, but bacteria can go to town on them, which ramps things up in the gassy department
Have you ever opened up your dishwasher to put some dirty dishes in and you smell what you think is a huge dishwasher fart? Then you realize it was just the Tupperware container that you kept the cauliflower in before.
Vegetables in the Brassica family are known to keep the wind blowing.
This is another vegetable from the same Brassica family as broccoli and cauliflower, and I’m going to toss in brussel sprouts with this group, too. Evidently, the veggies from this Brassica family are known to increase the pungency of your farts. Cabbage has that special aged nuance that most fart foods don’t have.
What I mean by “aged” is – a cabbage fart usually reminds people of their 90-year-old Nana that came over from Poland, making halupki every time you visit. Her house smells like a wonderful mix of old cat urine, mothballs and sour candies. Smelling someone cook cabbage is like stepping into a fart time machine!
Again, in my research, most people in the world are apparently lactose intolerant, but obviously, in varying degrees. The milk sugar in dairy products prevents you from digesting it properly, and the gas builds up until something blows. Your intestinal bacteria love this stuff, even if the people sitting next to you at a movie theater don’t.
This is more of a personal preference. For some reason, whenever I eat cold pizza, I end up repeatin’ like a Howitzer all afternoon.
This is one of my personal favorites. I ate these once after a night of drinking, and the next day was like “Apocalypse Now,” only that wasn’t the smell of napalm in the morning. Burger King Onion Ring farts are the absolute worst. It’s like my butt was mad at our faces.
Fast food in general seems to make people a little more gassy than usual. It’s like they just changed the ‘r’ to an ‘s’ for the phrase, “Fast Food.”
Ahhhhhh, a sour, bitter pickled form of cabbage!?! Sign me up! And with a side of one of the most pungent members of the sausage family! This is a sure-fire recipe for keeping your loved ones at arm’s length for 24 hours.
(Also, eat fruit at the end of your meal! It ferments on top of the other food and makes life interesting!)
Well, I hope you enjoyed this trip down Fart Foods Boulevard! If I helped one person ruin the olfactory senses of three others, I’ve done my job! But don’t use Burger King Onion Ring farts as a weapon. That’s just mean.