FifthPeriodLunch.com

Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012.

Get Your Crack On

(By CaffeineFiend)

I tried going without coffee today. I really did.

But after spending nearly seven hours feeling like I had been hit in the head with a shovel, I caved.

My caffeine intake has long been in question for a variety of reasons, ranging from sporadic insomnia issues to talking so fast that a cracked out chipmunk has to tell me “Eeeeeeeasy, speedracer.”

Friends usually look at me with a mix of amused bewilderment and “What the hell, dude?” … followed by a less than subtle, “Exactly how many cups of coffee have you had today?”

Now, here I sit. Next to me, my mondo Looney Toons mug, which is about twice the size of a normal cup, helping me to finally creep my way back to normal.

Although, now that I think about it, there is no “normal” when it comes to caffeine. Psh, what is this “normal” you speak of?

Anyway, after caving, I started Yahooing — and I don’t mean yelling like an idiot. The perusing news headlines version. That one.

Sip. Read. Sip.

Suddenly the word “coffee” caught my eye — it was a sign.

There, in 12-point Arial, was my validation.

“Coffee drinkers are a little more likely to live longer.”

The study of 400,000 fellow junkies showed that we “tended to smoke, drink more alcohol, eat more red meat and exercise less than non-coffee-drinkers.”

Whatev. No judgment.

However, damaging extracurricular health habits aside, coffee chuggers were found to be less likely to kick the bucket as a result of heart or respiratory disease, stroke, diabetes, infections accidents or injuries.

Lay off the sugar and cream, they suggest. Added calories and all that sh …tuff.

Drink filtered rather than boiled — HEY, I’MMA DRINK MY COFFEE THE WAY I WANT! YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!

(Heh, I think the caffeine just kicked in … )

Boo-yeah!

“Each cup of coffee per day nudged up the chances of living longer.”

Ladies … gentlemen … this news is golden.

Now, theoretically, unless I step out into the street in front of an oncoming bus, get hit by a stray bullet while covering the county’s future gang war, the bungee breaks when I jump from the top of a skyscraper or I do something more stupid than usual, I will have added years to have my fog lifted by dark roasts and mouth motored by espresso.

And hey, I read it online. That means it must be true.

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