FifthPeriodLunch.com

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Horrors, Hookers and Hellacious Butt Pain

These are just some random thoughts I’ve had over the past few days. Note: Not all of them deal with butt pain.

First, I recommend that you watch this video. If you are feeling a lot of butt pain while watching it at your desk, then this product will absolutely help you!

* “My back feels good… and my bottom feels good.” Note my favorite part – that would be at the :27 second mark, where the old man points at the computer screen. How awesome is butt pain? It’s amazing to me that this isn’t a product sold by Troy McClure.

* I had the 12th pick in my fantasy basketball league draft. In other words, my team is absolutely dreadful. Should be a fun year!

* Eating at Burger King is like hooking up with a prostitute. You drive near a BK and you inevitably catch that scent of deliciousness. It’s inviting and welcoming, just like a hot call girl. But after you finish your meal, you feel like shit and your stomach is all sorts of jacked up. In the case of a hooker, you know you’re going to end up with an STD. They are both lose-lose situations.

* Echoing a Facebook friend’s rant, I’ll never understand why people get upset when a hurricane doesn’t live up to expectations. Why would you want a natural disaster to hit the area where you live? Would you feel better if your house was flooded or your roof collapsed? People are idiots.

* I am looking forward to college basketball season, even though my Wake Forest Demon Deacons may be one of the worst teams in the country this year.

* Why are people so fascinated with the Amish?

* Some solid horror movies to watch on Halloween: Quarantine (or Rec), The Descent, Paranormal Activity, The Beyond, 28 Days Later and 28 Weeks Later.

* Some terrible horror movies to avoid on Halloween: Chernobyl Diaries, Jack Frost, Pumpkinhead, Pet Sematary, Jeepers Creepers.

* Here’s a fun stat about the Boston Red Sox: Since Nomar Garciaparra left town in 2004, the Sawx have had something like 14 different shortstops. Pretty sad for one of the premiere franchises in Major League Baseball.

* Before I even read this story, I assumed it happened in Florida. I bet the butt pain commercial was taped there too. So sad…

* I think there should be an R-rated sports network on which commentators have the ability to swear and just be completely politically incorrect. That would be amazing. Imagine Al Michaels during the 1980 Miracle on Ice. “Do you believe in miracles? Yes! Fuck you Russia!”

* Banger of the Week: Now by Matt & Kim

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When MTV Played Videos: The Safety Dance

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