Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012.

Daily Disturbia

(By TheWayIsHere)

Most people who know me know that I’m a very laid-back person. In fact, my personality seems to give off an I-don’t-really-give-a-shit kind of vibe. My wife is frequently critical of my easy-going ways, and I often wonder why she even loves me. Must be for my ass. But I digress…

There are, however, certain things that occur in normal day-to-day life that have a way of pissing me off. Some people call them first-world problems. I call them bastards. What better way to air my grievances with them?

New Chapstick

I love me some chapstick. Thanks to a fully-stocked chapstick drawer at home, I’m getting dangerously close to becoming a 10-year old girl with all the different flavors. However, opening up and using a brand new stick of chap is no day in the park. The stick has not yet had a chance to contour to your lips. Instead, it’s just a pointy tip that wreaks havoc on your lips. Nobody likes a pointy tip… nobody.

The Day-Too-Early Carwash

I typically try to wait as long as I can between car washes. This means having to listen to my parents and my wife bitch about a dirty exterior, but it’s totally worth it.  Once it starts getting really bad, I check the weather consistently to see if rain is in the forecast so I can get a free car wash. I like making Mother Nature do bitch work for me. But (and there’s always that but, isn’t there?), I’ve been on a pretty bad cold streak lately. Just a couple of weeks ago, I finally gave in and decided to get my car washed. And wouldn’t you know it ended up raining the very next day. Apparently, Mother Nature thinks she’s a god damn comedian. Bitch.

The Post-Shower Shit

In my book, there’s not much worse than this. It sucks for guys and girls alike. You hop in the shower to get so fresh and so clean, but it won’t turn out that way amigo. Somewhere between soaping up your ass crack and trying not to kill yourself while cleaning your feet, you realize you have to take a shit. So you hurry through the remaining shower tasks and finish up. You quickly dry off – though you’re still fairly wet – and have a quick internal debate about putting clothes on. You decide against it and saddle up naked. Careful cowboys and cowgirls – those toilet seats are dangerous with a wet ass. You could jump back in the shower post-shit, but most of us are too lazy for that. Instead, you’ll just go through the day with an ass that isn’t quite as clean as it probably should be. Make sure you throw that towel in the hamper too. Don’t want to use that again following an after-shower, post-shit drying session.

Spider In the Car/Walking Through a Spiderweb

I don’t like spiders. I hate them. Maybe it started when I found one in my bed as a kid. Maybe it started after one of those evil fucks literally jumped on my leg from three feet away and bit me. Regardless, I hate them. Those freaks always have me on my toes. I turn into a little sissy boy when I see one in my car. I can’t count the number of accidents that have almost been caused by spiders in my car. Sure they’re probably just roaming around looking for a small bug to eat, but in my mind they’re staring at me with those beady little eyes and planning their attack. Don’t even get me started on walking through a spider web. It always results in one of three things: a) you immediately turn into a ninja and start waving your arms and kicking your legs in order to remove the phantom spiders from your body; b) you hit the ground like you were just sniped by charlie in the trees; or c) you turn into a world-class sprinter and bolt from the scene. Spiders have a funny way of doing what usually takes thousands of dollars to do – turn men into women.

What are some of your day-to-day disturbances?

Related posts:

Shit's Broke... I'll Fix It.
Hairy History of Hair
Now I Know Why There Are So Many Convicted Boyfriend Beaters In The World

2 Comments on “Daily Disturbia

  1. Gonos
    April 30, 2012

    Excellent. A post-shower shit usually just tells me I should go back to bed.

    My three day-to-day disturbances:

    1. When I have to pee in the morning, but it’s about 30 minutes before the time I have to wake up. Do you go pee, relieve yourself and hope you can catch 28 more minutes of sleep? Do you you get up early (god no)? Or do you stay in bed and lie there uncomfortably? There is no right answer (unless you said catheter).

    2. When one edge of the bagel toasts too much and the other half stays untoasted.

    3. When the office cleaning lady tracks your shit cycle for weeks on a spreadsheet, and then smartly keeps the men’s room closed for cleaning after lunch, completely ruining your post-lunch poop. I hate her.

  2. TheWayIsHere
    May 1, 2012

    Good call on the early-morning pee. Happens all the time and it’s brutal!

Leave a Reply

5PL On Facebook


Enter your email address to follow Fifth Period Lunch and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Do it... do it now!