Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012.
Today, I experienced a first.
I swear, sometimes I would give almost anything to know exactly what goes on in the male mind.
This stems from a gas station incident that resulted in the MOST EPIC PICKUP ATTEMPT EVER aimed in my direction.
— And not in a good way.
I was cruising back to the office after an assignment, windows down, soaking up some sun, tunes crankin’ on the radio and planning the lede for my next story.
Suddenly, Arco’s promise of $4.15 per gallon for regular unleaded goodness and the fact that my fuel warning light was only a few miles from switching on lured me into making an abrupt pit stop.
$4.15 a gallon — score! Yes, I realize how sad that is.
Since I was there, I decided the least I could do was grab an energy draaaank so I could get my caffeine on. I even resisted the clerk’s attempt to get me to go for the 2/$4 deal — only because I knew it would throw my typical balance of caffeinated ridiculousness into hyperactive overdrive … and I couldn’t do that to my coworkers. They might get violent.
I paid, walked back to my car and started pumping.
You know that feeling you get when someone is watching you?
I looked up, and the dude parked next to me is LEANING OUT HIS CAR DOOR, STARING AT ME.
“’Ay, you sexy,” he begins.
“Wha’s yo’ name?”
Out of shock, I answered.
“Mmmmm … ” (licks lips) “You gonna’ let me take you out for dinner?”
— To which I replied, “Ummm … probably not?”
(Despite his lip licking, the “HELL NO I’M NOT LETTING YOU TAKE ME OUT!” that my oh-so delicate inner voice suggested seemed a bit too harsh.)
I told him to enjoy the lovely weather and amscrayed as fast as my slipping transmission would let me.
More than a little awkward. Not gonna’ lie.
Now, while I’m a fan of men being men, manning up and being assertive — and the girly self I have buried deep down admits it’s flattering — the whole thing just left a big “SERIOUSLY?!?” going through my brain (and a slight eye twitch).
It’s not like we had a “moment” while reaching for the same energy drink, flirty small talk at the register or he held the door open for me, our eyes met and we re-enacted one of those magical and vomit-inducing scenes from a chick flick.
It was just BAM with the lip licking.
WHY, WHY, WHY?
I’m just throwing this out there for you guys to consider before you take your life into your own hands and go through your litany of pickup lines that ultimately end in awkwardness.
Keep in mind, if you feel like you’ve just been struck by lightning and ABSOLUTELY MUST talk to whatever person just rocked your world, it’s not hopeless … Just use a little finesse.
And for the love of Pete, don’t lick your lips.