Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012.
After my last Cardboard Combat, I’m sure of one thing: People are still scared to hell of Lew Burdette, even though he died a few years ago.
How else do you explain Burdette’s dominant win over Jerry “Justin Bieber’s Dad” Reuss? Burdette always will be absolutely terrifying! Alright, who’s on tap this week?!
I’m not entirely sure what Vicente is trying to do here. Is that his pitching follow-through or is it his Frankenstein impression? Does Vicente know a secret for curing constipation? It’s all very confusing.
What I do know is that this isn’t the first time Vicente’s been caught in the act. I’m also a little curious as to why Vicente has a red collared shirt on underneath his uniform. Does he have an important business meeting to attend following the photo shoot? Hey Romo… the color red kind of clashes with brown and yellow. That dude in the dugout has an awesome view of Vicente’s ass, though. Great choice of seats.
Key stats: Enjoys chasing little children around while doing his Frankenstein impression; nicknamed ‘Huevo,’ which of course means egg in Spanish; revolutionary fashion sense; disappeared from the major leagues in 1975 and didn’t return until 1981 (he was apparently playing in Mexico); invented the Stand-up Kegel exercise.
Nothing to see here, ladies and gentlemen. Just a Latino man making love to his baseball bat. I could take the low road and make joke after joke about how Oscar loves to cuddle up with hard wood, but that would be too easy.
Instead, I’m going to take a more literal approach. What if Oscar Azocar really did love his bat? You always hear stories about those “interesting” people who fall in love with inanimate objects rather than other human beings. Perhaps Oscar fell deeply in love with his baseball bat and just wanted to show the world that he was comfortable with that.
What’s that you say? Oscar posted a career batting average of just .226 over 202 games? Oh, well then I don’t know what the fu*k he’s doing with that bat. Maybe he just does love to stroke hard wood.
Key stats: Took him 100 major league at-bats to draw first walk; wears a damn good mustache; was his own agent; has extremely soft, supple hands; laughs in the face of splinters; some truth to the rumor that he was a dendrophiliac.
It’s Padre vs. Padre, and 1975 Topps vs. 1993 Topps Stadium Club this week. Who ya got?