Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012.
Going to the ballpark is always entertaining. One of the great things about watching baseball live is that no matter who is playing that night, there can literally be any type of outcome. You might see 14-12 slugfest or watch a 1-0 pitching duel.
But there are a few things that never change at the ballgame — the guys you meet.
Here is a list of the five guys you meet at a ballgame.
You don’t want to sit in front of the Drunk because he spills his beer constantly. You don’t want to sit beside the Drunk because he talks really loud and thinks he’s funny. He will usually take off his shirt at some point, as well, and you don’t want to be close to that. You definitely don’t want to sidle up next to The Drunk in a ballpark restroom because he usually doesn’t have good aim.
Annoying factor: 4 out of 5 stars (unless you’ve been drinking, then it drops way down)
Another interesting fact about the Eater is his seat selection. Most people will try to improve their seating at a baseball game. The eater will move out away from everyone so he can have a little more room to set his nachos down in the seat next to him. Don’t sit beside the eater or you’ll be passing change and brats back and forth for most of the night.
Annoying factor: 3 out of 5 stars
The Nerd rushes to his seat upon arrival and is like some kind of reverse camel, he never has to get up and go to the bathroom.
The Nerd also always eats peanuts at a ballgame. I’m not sure if it’s because he has convinced himself that it’s a great deal or what.
The Nerd is a good guy to sit next to if you find yourself seeing a player’s face on the big screen and wondering, “Who is this guy?”
The Nerd will tell you — he’ll also tell you what pick the player was taken with in his Rotisserie league.
Annoying Factor: 2 out of 5 stars
This is the guy that gets a few beers in him and begins to reminisce about back when he played. I just call this guy, Glory Days. After a couple of cold ones, he played against a guy in high school that made it to Double-A with the Pirates.
He could also be called the Know-It-All because he starts to make insane comments about professional players. “Miguel Cabrera has a decent swing, but there’s a hole in it. He really struggles with low inside pitches. Can’t get his hips around and tends to just roll it over.”
The worst part about Glory Days is that he is usually a buddy of yours and most of the crap that comes out of his mouth has been told to you before. Glory Days can be confused with the Drinker, the difference is that the Drinker can’t put a coherent sentence together and probably doesn’t know who Miguel Cabrera is.
Annoying factor: 4 out of 5 stars (you have to ride home with this idiot and the B.S. doesn’t stop)
Every ballpark has this guy. He comes to every home game and carries some type of apparatus with him designed to get the crowd clapping or chanting or singing a song.
The Indians have a guy (John Adams) that sits on the very top bleacher in left field and beats a massive bass drum that can be clearly heard throughout the stadium. As a matter of fact, The Indians provide him with two season tickets every year — one for him and one for his drum.
There used to be a guy at Texas Ranger games that would up stand sporadically and whack a tambourine with a stick about six times and then immediately sit back down. He sat behind first base and I would be curious to know if he still attends games.
I’m sure I’ve forgotten a few of your favorite guys you meet at a ballpark. Feel free to email or tweet me @HGarrison643 to let me know about someone that should be included in this list.