Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012.

Cardboard Combat: Jerry Reuss vs. Lew Burdette

Once again, we’re back for another Cardboard combat matchup, where we pit two of the ugliest baseball cards ever to exist against each other. Stepping into the rectangular ring this week — Jerry Reuss and Lew Burdette.

It’s evident that Topps’ photographers were either uncaring or incredibly high all the time. They always seem to love to take horrible pictures of athletes.

We had somewhat of a surprising result (at least in my opinion) two weeks ago as the 1979 Topp Paul Reuschel card took down the 1992 Bowman Todd Jones. What kind of shenanigans are in store for this week!?

1974 Topps Jerry Reuss vs. 1965 Topps Lew Burdette

1974 Topps Jerry Reuss

I always knew that Justin Bieber was full of shit. He always seemed just a little too good to be a true, a little too amiable. It was only after I did some in-depth research that I discovered his whole persona is a fraud — from the hair to the saccharin smile to the pleasant disposition.

Bieber stole his whole shtick from golden boy Jerry Reuss! During his teen years, Reuss dreamed of being in a boyband and proving to his hard-ass father that real men could thrive in the arts. But after his third band, The Inch Worms, failed to take off, Reuss decided to pursue his acting career.

Unfortunately, he was only offered parts in shampoo and conditioner commercials, so he turned his attention to baseball. It turned out to be the right decision as he pitched for 22 seasons and was pretty damn good.

Hey, I think that’s my dad in the background!

Key Stats: Silky smooth hair; would not do well in prison; won more than 200 games in the majors; oblivious to the fact the “e” and “u” do not belong next to each other; inspiration for the Bieb

1965 Topps Lew Burdette

Please, Mr. Burdette. Please don’t kill me. Seriously, has there ever been a more intimidating baseball card in the history of baseball cards? Lew Burdette looks like he just got back from the war and is about to go Rambo on everybody in sight.

The creative director at Topps who spelled Lew’s name wrong on this card definitely died under mysterious circumstances after the set was released. No doubt in my mind.

I still don’t fully understand why people back in the day looked so damn old. Burdette was only 37 or 38 when this picture was taken. Oh wait, now I remember. Sunscreen didn’t exist and everybody smoked 16 packs of cigarettes a day.

In between yelling at whippersnappers to get off his lawn and chain smoking, Lew Burdette was also a damn good pitcher over an 18-year career.

Key stats: Doesn’t give a damn about his hair; would do very well in prison; won more than 200 games in the majors; killed 13 men — six of them with bare hands; enjoys the taste of human meat; first name is actually Selva; inspiration for mean old bastards everywhere

Alright, there you have it. Who ya got!?!

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4 Comments on “Cardboard Combat: Jerry Reuss vs. Lew Burdette

  1. TheWayIsHere
    May 25, 2012

    I probably shouldn’t add this because it’s ABSOLUTELY going to sway the vote – but Burdette also cut a record in 1959.

  2. Pingback: Cardboard Combat – 6.1.12 « Fifth Period Lunch

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