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Showtime, HBO Shows and the AL East

Boardwalk Empire, N.Y. Yankees - HBO Shows

Well alright! Spring Training is in full swing and almost wrapped up! Time to talk HBO shows and settle some early season debates!

1. I’ll take Brooklyn Decker to lead off over Kate Upton, but wait!!! Is that TOPANGAAA?!! OH WOOOOOOOORD! We have history! She leads off!

2. Mariano Rivera over Alex Rodriguez for who has a better year in their final season

3. And, yes I agree Ray Allen is one of the best perimeter shooters of his generation, but why does he have to chew gum like a dick? Seriously though? That’s why! Nobody wants to guard him! That’s freaking annoying Ray!  Smacking them lips in my ear! Spit that shit out. You sound like a Times Square Hooker in ’72…I was there…I was there.

But now let’s dive into the main debate, where your current AL East Team matches up to HBO’s current Drama Series. I’m just going tell it how it is, and you see how you like it. Let’s start from the top and work our way down.

Winning the Division and clearly the best series currently on HBO…

1. THE New York Yankees and “Boardwalk Empire”

Yes, they’re old, we get it. And yes, “Boardwalk Empire” is actually a Showtime show, but still.

Mo is older than his jersey number, Dandy Andy has already retired once, and they tried to pull Chipper Jones out of retirement?!?! AAAHHH WHAT??? But let’s face it.  Joe Giradi is Nucky. Same height, same build, same creepy laugh. He’s killing off Arod as blatantly as Knucky shot Jimmy in the head. Then Curtis Granderson said he would prefer Center over Left, and the next game out he breaks his forearm on an inside pitch.  You think that was an accident?

You think Hank, Hal and the Cashman aren’t the same as the dude from Happy Gilmore, the News Radio guy and old guy with the whole indictment story line? That shady inside scandal is hard to follow just like why the Yankees, instead of finding a replacement for Mark Teixeira, go out and sign Ben Francisco? Something’s going on, and soon the party’s going end. Just like Atlantic City’s fall from class.  The Yanks and the Boardwalk match up and the cream will rise to the top (that’s what she said).  The old ailing Yankees and the aging gangsters have one more season on the top.

Placing second and still sucking…

2. The Baltimore Orioles and “True Blood”

They’re vampires. You don’t know who they are, but they have this quiet angry leader and they’ll suck the life right out of your team. They’ll throw at your head and then try to rip it off. They’ll get all sneaky Adam Jones on you. You thought you were out to have a good time and then WHAT THE HELL JUST BIT ME!!!  Four homers leave the building in one inning.  But through all that bite, blood and toplessness … they still suck in the end.

Coming in at 3rd in the Division and confusing to sit through…

3. The Toronto Blue Jays and “Girls”

Critically acclaimed and hailed as the best revamped team, the Toronto Blue Jays took it to the bank this offseason.  Jose Jose and Dickey Dickey Dickey! Hey now!!!

But much like “Girls,” you’ll catch a little of them when they play your favorite team, just like you’d catch a little of an episode of Girls when you flip on HBO to see what’s going on. You’ll see a few hot girls walking around, and think you’ll have a chance to see a few hot Girls walking around naked. Next thing you know, the one you were hoping not to see naked is playing ping pong with her nipples pretty much acting as the paddles. The hot ones never show up for those scenes.

The same way Jose Reyes won’t show up after July 1, Johnson won’t show up at all, and R.A. Dickey will end up being the tease. So like Girls, the Blue Jays will come in as the hip new fad and fade out quicker than paddle nipples. Unless the hot ones decide to show up…then maybe, game on.

Loyal Fan Base, solid story, but won’t take the title this season or beat out Knucky…

4. The Boston Red Sox and “Game of Thrones”

Let’s not go crazy analyzing this one. You watch them because they’re the Sox, loved for not being the Yankees, hated for acting like the Yankees but sucking at it; and then just straight up annoying like Lanaster’s. I mean, if the last two seasons of Red Sox Nation don’t completely play out like the Lanaster nation; I don’t know which team or show you’re watching.

First, beer, chicken and lack of respect for the game is the end of the Francona era just as that fat first king finished out his ride on the throne. Then, the team is handed to Bobby Valentine or, shall we say King Geoffrey; and it wasn’t long before the people of Boston Commons wanted his head.  Bostonians only hope is Dustin Pedroia, who not only acts like, but is a spitting image of Lord Tyrion (to learn more about Pedroia’s long trip up the big kid’s slide – click here). They’ll also need those young arms to finally develop into Khaleesi’s dragons and spit hot fire like Dylan (one of the 5 greatest rappers of all time).  May the Old Gods and the New Gods have mercy on your Fenway Frank, cause this year it looks as if you can skip eating it – just place it directly in the toilet and flush.

Finally, everyone’s hope for something special…

5. The Tampa Bay Rays and “Enlightened”

Critics claim this show is amazing, analysis says Tampa may have a shot. The show is based on the little guy trying to take out the corporate giant; the Rays are based on trying to beat the corporate AL East. They have some solid players like Evan Longoria; the show has some solid actors like Luke Wilson. Two innings into the game you realize they suck, ten minutes into the program you are mad at yourself for staying up ten minutes later instead of eating the rest of the Oreos and calling it a night.

Take your One-A-Day, be smart like Joe Maddon. Don’t waste time watching a Rays game no matter how loud the fake cowbell sounds … nothing exciting is really happening; and that’s pretty much sums up “Enlightened,” as well.

Those are my comparisons from AL East baseball teams to current HBO Shows — and I think you’ll agree that this division really is of the “premium” variety.

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