Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012.

Military Dropping Bombs on Colombian Hookers

(By BluCowboy)

As far as I’m concerned there are three certainties in this world…

–  Death

–  Taxes

–  America will invade your country, kill your men and put your hookers on the 15-day DL

Apparently, however, there are some people who fail to accept this. Let me put it to you simply; in the military (and for the purpose of this story, we’ll lump the CIA in here as well), there is a guy to girl ratio of roughly 2,000,000,000:1. This means that the options of our men in uniform are grossly limited. As a soldier, you can either get incredibly lucky and find one of the few females in the military worth seeing naked, beg your friend to share his girl and hope he is weak-willed or spend your hard-earned cash poking the cervix of hookers in your host nation.

For most, the choice is clear.

With that being said, I do have a few problems with the events that transpired in Columbia over the weekend…

–  It was reported that 21 agents were caught with hookers when two men refused to pay a working woman the full $50 fee since they had shared her love tunnel. How in the shit can you rationalize charging each of these dudes full retail price?  If I order a $5 Hot and Ready pizza from Little Caesar’s, am I expected to eat it all by myself? Fuck No, that shit’s terrible. It is understood that the pizza will be split by at least two people. Little Caesar’s does not charge me $5 for every dick that wants a slice of my pizza, and these hookers have no right to charge $50 for every dick that wants a slice of their pie.  $50 divided by two equals $25 per man, simple math… get out your abacus bitch, you’re trying to run a business.

–  The men in this story are not completely blameless. They broke one of the Cardinal Rules of Whore Mongering.  Never, under any circumstance, should you bring a hooker back to your room. I don’t care how fucking bright that bed lights up when you pull out your portable CSI kit, you fight through it, get your sucky-fucky and then shower like you just had sex with a Colombian hooker. The quickest way to fuck up whatever shit you have going is to bring one of these degenerates back to your room. You give them the slightest taste of the good life and they immediately crave more. And these women are like American women times 1,000. You think your girlfriend gets greedy when you fuck up and give her a birthday gift that is probably more expensive than she deserves?  These women have sex with dudes for money!  You show one of these street-walkers indoor plumbing and they won’t quit until you have nothing left to give.

–  Finally, what I’m really grinding on in this story, is that dudes are losing their jobs over this shit. You expect me to be shocked, or even upset, that a dude is willing to pay a woman to get his Dee S’d?  Not a chance! I’d be more pissed if the Secret Service was going over there and trying to protect the president on a full tank. THAT shit is dangerous. Let’s face it men, we’re not worth shit when we’re carrying too much baggage. At this point in my life, through vigorous masturbation, I’ve conditioned my body to be incapable of functioning when it has been more than nine hours since my last ejaculation.  Wake up: masturbate, Get ready for work: masturbate, Get home from work: masturbate, rinse, repeat. You expect these dudes to jump in front of a bullet with blue balls? Think again! Cut these men some slack.

Take some notes from Seal Team 6. Those boys sniffed out Osama, put a bullet in his dome and then rendered his wives paralyzed… and you’ll never hear about it.

Related posts:

Taking You Into The Weekend - Impractical Jokers
Mr Clean-Up Doesn't Take No Orders From No Women
Teen Mama Drama - 6.21.12

Leave a Reply

5PL On Facebook


Enter your email address to follow Fifth Period Lunch and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Do it... do it now!