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Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012.

Teen Mom Drama

I’m pretty sure I haven’t mentioned this yet as it is one of my more embarrassing attributes, but I am the biggest reality TV whore around. From Real World to Whale Wars and everything in between, I’m hooked.

Side Note: On my most recent trip to the OB/GYN, the pap-smear showed no abnormalities.

“Teen Mom” is hands down my favorite of the bunch though. Just an absolute shit show of rednecks and terrible parenting. If I had my way, we would follow these bitches until they began collecting social security.

Teen Mom Drama Recap (June, 2012):

Maci

While makeup does a great job of reducing the redness associated with acne, it does nothing to reduce the size of the small hill on your face. Maci hasn’t figured this out yet.

ESPN has reported that the third stage of the Tour De France will traverse Maci’s chin. That being said, she has no business being on this show. She actually has her priorities straight, which as far as I’m concerned, is a reality show killer.

Catelynn

Speaking of having no business being on the show, Catelynn still doesn’t have a kid. Her boyfriend, whose name I haven’t cared enough to learn, looks like he’s in Sandusky’s target age range and Catelynn looks like she just discovered deep fried twinkies. That being said, all these bitches should have chosen adoption.

Farrah

Teen Mom 2 has the best grandmother (Barbara), but Debra is a close second. Farrah and Debra have collectively spent the GDP of Ireland on counseling, yet still communicate to each other through baby-talk. Farrah shockingly makes a responsibly irresponsible decision by taking the kiddo with her to Florida, even though it’s clear she has no interest in anything other than tanning and implants (the expense of choice for teen moms).

Also, if there is one thing I have truly missed about Farrah it is her cry. Her brilliantly hideous cry.

As I often take pleasure in going to the bar and spewing insults at self-conscious women, I have seen a few girls cry before. Ladies, meet your Queen. Easily the worst cry in the history of tear ducts.

Amber:

From what I understand, Amber and Gary have a “No Contact Order” in place, which apparently means they have to hate each other, but can still talk on the phone and yell at each other in person. Amber pleas to Domestic Battery charges and gets 2 years probation and 30 days of rehab. She tries desperately to convince people that the rehab is for her anger problems, but any suspicions that she may be abusing substances is confirmed when she downs a bucket of shitty wine and cries for help with a noose around her neck.

Death drops the ball on this episode and the paramedics prove they are the cure for Darwinism as Amber survives. Amber then goes to treatment for her “anger,” but not before giving Child Protective Services another reason to rescue her chubby mistake. While in rehab, the therapists decide to teach the woman convicted of Domestic Battery how to properly throw a jab, and mental health professionals across the country shake their collective heads.

I’m not going to say the Teen Mom season teaser at the end of the episode gave me an erection, because that would be weird, but the season teaser at the end of the episode gave me an erection.

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